“I want to write a novel about Silence… the things people don’t say.” – Virginia Wolfe

I’m tired of people not talking about things. This is a hard feeling to convey as a non-confrontational person. And I am biased in whom I’m talking about here, namely the people I have been socializing with as of late.  I have yet again found myself in a messy situation of life.  In the past two weeks, I’ve been on two dates with the same woman. She’s smart, successful, beautiful, and fun. And a little messy. (we won’t touch on in this post, my random dating of a lady- and no I’m not saying I’m bisexual or a lesbian, I don’t want to define myself.) both dates went great and I had fun. She doesn’t want to be exclusive, she says she is terrible at commitment, and just recently got out of a marriage. Great and wonderful. I’m in a fully committed relationship with my son, he comes first and always will. I don’t care about being exclusive so much just as long as she is open and honest about who she has naked sexy time with. I realized the lack of commitment could be partially due to the fact that she is a professor and I’m in undergrad still. She’s not my professor, and we are quite close in age, but it’s still fraternization (the military also loves this rule). I also realized lack of commitment doesn’t mean lack of intimacy. I was insanely surprised at her amount of PDA while out on the second date and the next day hanging out with a “circle of friends” that I have been quickly thrust into upon knowing her and her best friend, also a professor. Even at her house, cuddle levels, initiated by her, are astronomical. I’m not used to this at all. Even her FB profile pic, supposedly, is us from our Halloween themed date Saturday. (I do not know for sure, was told this, because even though I was invited to have a sleepover, we are not to FB friend level yet- go figure). At school today, she didn’t speak to me. I can play this game. I’m great at this game. Do I like that I somehow found myself yet again in a situation where I cannot be open about who I am jiving on? Not one bit. I guess it’d be a hard enough hurdle being a female/female relationship so I of course had to kick it up a notch. If all of this wasn’t just enough to drive the tiny part of my brain I have set aside to now allow itself to think about/ remember things about professor lady, Sunday at the bar, in the bathroom, her BFF drunkenly kissed me. Remember she is also a professor, and one of my professors, and married to a man. The last point isn’t so much that she’s married to a man or woman, but married. Apparently my siren call is strong lately, because it was upsetting after copious amounts of Coors Lite to have me remove her tongue from my mouth and say “This is a bad idea.” So what would you do? Keep it mum? Apologize? Nope, logically, let’s go back out and tell the person I’m “hanging out” with. She didn’t care. I think after we left, the idea just spurned her on…which led me to initially believe that I was the joke of some bad Lifetime movie where two people secretly want each other and use some sad pawn to torture each other. But who knows. This morning I got a few very early very apologetic texts from my bathroom romancer. Asking for forgiveness and saying she had self-destructive tendencies. Join the club lady. We’ve already put out three annual t-shirts. They’re free, come get one. I go to school today with all intentions of talking this out, to understand what happened and apologize myself and try to explain everything. Well, no, she didn’t want to talk about it. “Let’s just forget it” she said. Things not easily forgotten, being accosted in the ladies room by a tall, attractive blonde who gives me a grade toward the completion of my diploma in a few months. SHOULD I be surprised really? No, I always seem to have “when it rains it pours” moments and by really really unsuspecting people. Trust me. But why can’t we talk about things? We are adults! Yet, even people with insanely high degrees apparently don’t want to deal with their emotional situations. At least I don’t feel so badly now about not having my BS yet.

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2 thoughts on ““I want to write a novel about Silence… the things people don’t say.” – Virginia Wolfe

    • Thanks! I worried you’d be like eek that’s weird. JR says you’re hard to scare. We should do mom stuff even though you’ve got months till birthing time. It’s a hush thing on fb, mainly me dating a woman- my family would all die. Like literally. Thanks for being supportive and I can’t wait to hang out with you soon maybe so we can make some Mobilians way jelly.

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